A Better Bitter Ending

When sadness strikes

I spend a lot of time in my mind,

then I quickly remember

how empty you made me feel.

For some reason when losing you

I failed to feel it.

I'm not proud of this,

but I don't miss you.

In fact, I'm indifferent,

I don't feel the need

to know you anymore,

and why should I?

After everything,

occasionally you still seem to scream

to me through memories,

and while I'll always

cherish the childhood dreams we three had.

I'll never ask for them back,

or try to recreate our friendship.

We're too different for that,

our personalities clash,

we do better without each other.

Sometimes Amnesia is a Bigger Blessing Than a Curse.

Amnesia hit me well,
when I least expected it.

It carried on
like a tune of the same
broken record memories
I remembered over and over.

All I can seem to remember
is a face here,
or a word or two there,
possibly even a small picture
in my mind of memories
that for the longest time
I had trouble leaving behind.

Every now and then
a memory would come flooding in,
but still, the majority
of those 90 days were gone.

The worst thing can be not knowing
if what little you can remember was real,
or a hallucination,

but if there was ever a good time
to wake up with amnesia,
this was it.

Sometimes accepting
what you aren't able to remember
is better than trying to dig in to a
past of delusions and euphoric episodes
that are completely out of your control.

My Attempt at Being Outspoken.

Forever I am urging you
to understand the never ending attempt
to overcome the impression of an illness
that makes others think you're insane.

Still every now and then in this big city,
I'll see a man on the street talking to himself,
and be incredibly thankful for having
the strength, ability, and support
to over come such a sickness.

For all the suffering,
there is an opportunity
to come forward and demand
the treatment you deserve.

There's someone out there to help you speak
when you can't speak for yourself,
and there's a world waiting for you
to come forward and become part of it once again,
because your ailment doesn't exactly define you.

Abduction Anomaly.

The god you thought you knew
and held deep inside of you,
has broken into pieces.

He's shattered into little lies
of a picture torn into tiny messages
that completely ignore the intention
of a martyr who died,

NOT to persecute you
but to SAVE you.

Still, so many take little tidbits
from a book they've never bothered
to read to the point of understanding
and blow them up into proportions
that I know God never intended.

I'm not here to tell you what you see
and hear is a distortion of the truth.

That's a truth you already know.

I'm only here to show you what
God has given me,

with the hope that it's an impression
great enough to impact you,
and not a tiny tidbit of something
no one will ever understand.

Give me Red, and Grey, and Green, and Yellow. (Disappointment)

Give me all the ugly colors that combine
together to be what anger gives you,
and still, this is all I'll ever have to say.

My message to the world
would go something like this;

Just because things are done beyond your understanding,
doesn't mean that they've been done without reason.

The balance in life is constantly being upset by people
who can't seem to decide if they're for you or against you.

While some people feel like free entities,
you're trapped within the limitations of your small mind.

Sure, we all suffer from sadness,
but don't go asking God why you're so depressed,

when you should be asking yourself,
"How can I be happy?" Instead.

How Can I Ever Win in Any Way?

Why does it matter so much that our home isn't exactly
the place of perfection that we pictured it to be?


I know that I can't always complete you,
but believe me, I try.
So please understand that I'm doing the best I can,
and I'm sorry if I'm not exactly
what you expected me to be.

So that in the times when it's all confusing and complicating,
maybe instead of complaining,
we can just absorb it in as it really is.

Alright, and instead of swearing a personal grudge against myself
I could just throw my hands in the air and wave the white flag.

I give up!
I give up!

Some struggles are worth surrendering.

You Don't Need a Confessional

What do you do
when all your saints are liars?

Or when your priest
is a hallway for hate to pass through?

How could you ever
let a person create
so much power for himself,
only to allow him
to warp the minds
of the ones who are
supposed to be following god,
but instead are mindlessly following nothing. . .
but a man in a costume.

How is it that among
all of the hypocrisies,
we fail to see that the control
held over our human beliefs,
is the biggest one of all?

When will it be time to kill the cult
and let the truth live loudly?

It's time to let you know that your salvation
doesn't lie in the hands of a few hail Marys.

No, instead,
it sits quietly
in the hearts that accept and trust
what they know to be personally true.

It doesn't push you to give up your free will.

No,
it makes you free.

This is My Never Ending To Do List.

Acknowledge the people and things I had to let go
in order to be who I am today.

Realize that sometimes we make it a war, but it's not a war.
Even though it seems as if the ones we once loved are fighting for the opposite side.

Remember not to kill them off like they're some sort of enemy,
we're just two very different people living in the opposite plains of existence.

Keep in mind that it's nothing to cry over, it's nothing to cry over.
We all grow apart once in a while, it doesn't mean we can't grow back together again.

Apologize and forgive yourself and others,
you'd be surprised the difference a sorry seems to make.

Choose your colors, don't ever mindlessly blend into a crowd of coercion.
Give a crystal clear impression of who you are.

Plan on being the person you were intended to be, and not always the one you are now.
Don't write yourself off just because you're not as big as everyone else seems to be.

Be brave, know that anyone can have confidence, but not everyone can be brave.

Accept the damage that has been done,
and be willing to rebuild whatever it was that fell apart today.

Go to sleep, wake up once again and repeat,
but don't forget to go where life leads you when you wake.

Going From Where I Was to Where I Am Today

I'm the dear who once was diagnosed at a very young age
with the cliche of clinical depression.

Then once the depression was done, so was the medication.

I was left with such a happy high that lasted for at least a year
and only resulted in the type of anxiety that for years
wouldn't let me leave my bedroom door for dinner.

So for three years, I was stuck within those dark and dreary dank walls,
but then one day, this horrifying, yet amazing thing happened.

I was paralyzed with the fear of the thoughts that crowded my mind,
I started to realize how my anxiety was becoming so over bearing,
controlling me as if there was no answer.

I turned to God, asked him to speak to me,
but my mind was so full of racing thoughts,
how would I ever be able to hear him?

A simple prayer, then the thought to myself,
"I can't take it anymore! No, I'm done,
I would rather kill myself than live for one
more moment in this messed up mind of mine!"

That was the second I knew I wasn't just being dramatic anymore,
because I couldn't even reason with myself in my own mind.

Then the fear arrived again with heat, sweat, and tears,
and I quickly realized that my life was at stake here.

I felt pressured to accomplish one of my worst fears, and I could never win. 

Because not only was I afraid of giving in to those absurd obsessions, 

I was also afraid to be alive.

I took a two second breather,
breathe in, breathe out,
repeat once.

I tiredly sat down at my desk,
and as quietly as possible,
reminded myself just how I desperately needed this help.
I felt pathetic for a moment,
but I could no longer blindly follow what hadn't been helping me anymore.

I needed to stop letting referrals make my medical decisions,
I needed to take control, and choose for myself,
I needed to do this on my own.

Then I took my medical care into my own two hands,
I told myself I was in control,
and I looked for the best possible care I could find.

Then there it was,
when all the rest had failed me,
the therapist I'd been looking for, for so long.

Even though I was in therapy for all those years,
I benefited more than I ever would
from the previous psychiatrists with their misdiagnosis.

See, she established something that the others couldn't, trust.
Despite the fact that eventually my mind was lost to a lack of sleep and medication.

She taught me to trust again.

After months of convincing me,
it might've been a bit too late,
but I was ready and willing to trust again.

Even though it didn't work out the way I had planned
somehow psychiatry, for once in my life, worked out for me,
my barriers were broken, but thankfully my trust still has yet to be.

After all the fighting it took,
I finally feel myself again.

I'm not only alive, but also living inside,
and I know now more than ever
that it's better late than never.

Anyone Can Overcome Their Battles

These thoughts would occur, eat my concentration,
and make it very hard to have a conversation.
Hah, and only I would ever try to reason with them,
turning what should be a passing thought
into an argument with an obsessive idea.
I can try to silence them,
but that only causes the earth to crumble underneath my feet.

See, it doesn't matter what name you give it.
The battle is still the same game
where I have to beat the anxiety,
fight the frustration, and cope with the confusion.

Yea, I realize at times it gives me a tiny bit of talent
because somehow I can hold two conversations at once;
the one I hold silently in my mind with myself,
and the one I carry on out loud with you.

See, it's something I hide so well
when I no longer have this battle standing right in front of me,
because I'm no longer crowded by confusion,
or agitated by anxiety,
and frustration definitely doesn't phase me anymore.

I fought for so many years to earn what I would call a clear mind,
something that meant so much to me,
and now I'm just wondering what's next?

It took me so long to overcome this illness,
and I missed so much that I should've seen in my life
when I was too busy concerning myself with questions
far too big for anyone to ever be able to answer.

So many times questioning myself;
How did I get here?
How did I get here?
How did I get here?

Each time I faced myself with that question
I could never find an answer and while most people would;
shrug their shoulders, say what ever, and move on.

It felt to me like I was face to face with the biggest demons
and instead I would then ask myself;
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
Do I even belong?
And bigger things would pose to me,
the pressure would build up in my chest as if I was about to explode
Like, how do we even exist?
Is any of this even real?
And how can a world so big ever appreciate a soul as small as mine?

Understanding what this world is made of
just became such a complicating thing,
but now I've accepted that I can't control what I wasn't meant to know,
and I've learned that sometimes
we were meant to live life with a light heart.

So as hard as it was for me;
Perhaps, maybe if someone somewhere is fearing the things that I did,
you can sit back and just appreciate what little you may have
because life is precious and yours is just as meaningful as mine.