About Me

My photo

I'm an open book here, and I have a lot to say, so I'll just say it.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Be Strong and Desperately Brave.

If I run away from my thoughts,
will I avoid my memories? 

Memories of when I was younger,
and my innocence was destroyed
by my irrational fears.

Not all children
are carefree and happy.
Some are burdened by genetics
and a fear of what they may become.

So I remember asking myself,
could I ever be happy again?

The answer wasn't exactly clear,
but I know I fought
for every ounce of good emotion
I feel today,
and sometimes suffering
has a greater reward
than we can currently live.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Don't Sell Yourself Short, Even if You Are.

For all my failures
and iniquities
my success is
so much smaller.

So with some success
I say the smaller they are,
the smaller I am,

the less I reach out
to the world I seem
so desperately to want
to speak out to.

So here I find myself saying,
it doesn't matter
how small I am
as long as the words
are still being said,

and deaf ears
seem to hear again.

If Only More People had a Good Nature. . .

Nature is more
than the feathers
we see flapping
on the wing
of some strange bird

It's not just a lilac
blooming and budding
the perfect scent.

In fact, it's also brutal
and rears it's ugly head
when you least expect it.

However, we often
still decide to see
the beauty over the beast,
regardless how it treats us.

Now, if only we'd do the same
for each other,
and in the moment
where you're not your brightest,
people saw the beauty anyway.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

If You Ask, I'll Answer.

You ask yourself
do I mean anything to you
or did I just happen to be there?

I'll tell you now,
it's an answer you'll never know,

but my intuition tells me it's both.

First you were there
drifting into existence
then you meant something,

then for some reason
you or I faded.

Whatever you do,
don't be discouraged,
because distance happens
more often than not.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Thank You!

So, after years in therapy,
I've learned
that EVERYBODY deserves
the right to be heard.

Someone to see
your point of view
whether or not
it is askew.

In a world where
it seems impossible
to find good mental health care,
I know a few who gave me hope.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Stay Grounded, Down to Earth, Because Someday, Someone Will Need Us Down Here.

This karma train you've created
runs both ways
and you have just as much
karmic debt as I do

but I don't believe in karma.

So if you think your words and actions
don't make us feel less than,

then think again.

Because in the end,
regardless of your
unruly tide toward us
we're the meek
who inherit the Earth.

We're the ones
who stay silent,
holding on to the hope
that someday we'll get
what we've earned.

So that in the end we can triumph
without stomping our feet with glory
and refuse to let the likes of you
get the best of us.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Try Not to Let Your Life Be a Rat Race.

I know sometimes life happens,
it happens, and happens
and keeps happening.

You know, one day. . .

We'll see everything
we've worked so hard to build,
crumble at our feet
but it's by our own hand
we'll destroy those things.

They'll fall like the delicate
card house of anger, hate,
deceit, and insecurity
that they've become.

Those things we've built,
those walls. . .

They won't be able to keep us
from the ones we love,
or from being the people
we love to be any longer.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Live with it, Don't Lean on it.

I'm getting better, growing,
being who I am through creation
doing what I was designed to do.

Learning what battles
are worth battling for
and what flashbacks
to let time leave behind.

Because sometimes memories fail
but letting what you do remember
seethe inside is only heartbreaking.

I just live with the lessons learned
from whatever disappointing situation
which seemed to stick in my memory.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Trust IS an Issue

Understanding is important
and it seems the misunderstood
tend to understand the most.

It's heartbreaking
it's a lack of empathy.

The lack of that ability,
to feel, today, is scarce,
and that's a scary
thing to realize.

The knowledge that most are
so invested in themselves
they can't see
what's in front of them,

and suddenly it's safer to be a
stranger in a strange town,

rather than a friend in a familiar place.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

No Concept of Passing

People still alive
don't understand
what it means
to no longer linger
on Earth.

They've always been alive.

It's no different from
people who have never lost
not understanding
what it means to lose.

They've never experienced grief.

I'm Whatever Color I Choose to be, So Watch Who You Paint Me Out to Be.

You said,
"Make excuses for yourself."

As if I were the mix of colors
YOU made
and expected a beautiful color
but only got gray.

Making me feel like a waste of paint.

These words are a reminder
of the way you treat me.

So I'll constantly paint myself
out of the picture
because I'm a color
much less dreary
than you see me.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Everybody Eventually gets Their Day in the Sun.

I'm dreaming of the sea tonight;
while I think about the you
you use to be,
I watch a page in this book
absorb a drop of water.

I get the feeling that
I'm just a grain of salt,
and there's a lot of sand
on this stormy beach,

but when I do I know that
I'll just be washed away
in the sea of silhouettes
drawn in my mind.

So I'm sinking to the very bottom
of my very own mind
where reality is skipping
over the linoleum tiles
in the hospital hallways,

where walking seems like floating
and somehow the bottom
of the sea, over time
flows it's way to the top.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Don't Intervene Your Own Design.

We're all destined
to get what
we want out of life.

Some of us
never decide
what that may be

therefore are never
able to achieve
our dreams.

Often,
we never become
what we think we want,
because deeply,

truly,
we know
that what we're wanting
isn't really what we need-

isn't what we were
created to accomplish.

Somewhere in a Shade of Some Color, is the Someone I Use to Be.

Who am I to say
who I am
when I look at myself
through everyone else's eyes?

As if my own sight
wasn't strong enough. . .

I'm clearly someone
so weak that
I have no eyes
of my own.

So transparent
that instead of seeing me,
you often see
straight through me.

Everyone Gets a Second Chance.

I often imagine myself
as hideous and unworthy
of unconditional love.

Still, somehow,
contrary to my belief
I am beautiful
behind this atrocity.

Little do I know
what the future
holds for me.

Little do I know of love;
how it solemnly surpasses hate,
how it never stops giving,

how it erases all emotion
from a spiteful past
and lets you start new again.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

She Is, Was, Has Been, and Will Always Be, an Old Broken Version of Me.

Always quiet in class and
hardly ever outspoken,
wondering if somehow she
would last through the humiliation
shackled to her feet.

No one ever knows exactly
what goes on in her mind.

Still, so quiet after all the years
she walked through life
unable to believe that she
measured up to more than ridicule,
but if she knew how to measure
even an ounce of pain
she wouldn't be who she is today.

She needed to learn
that there was more to life
than feeling like every day is dull,
as if you're destined to die
the same dull way
in emotional agony.

Let me tell you something;
she learned her lesson,
that happiness and mental health
come hand in hand,
and it never helps when
you put your foot in your mouth.

The Sooner I Stop Saving You, the Sooner You Save Yourself.

I'm trying to get through to you
to tell you that you've become
a train wreck,
destroying everything in sight.

I'm trying to believe in you,
to see in you, that
you're not as big as you think you are,
your fight with happiness is more important.

I'm trying to see the good in a friend
who used to be.
Trying to stop you from
selling your substance to the atmosphere,

but I've decided that I'm done
breaking my back
just for your benefit.
You're on your own.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

I Often Point the Finger, but Can't Take My Own Advice.

Trusted,
but on the brink
of bad decisions,

with no one to
blame but yourself
because in the end
the results of bad decisions
always lie in the
decision makers hand.

So a simple note
to all preceding;

when your successors
make mistakes,
don't blame yourself.

After all,
it wasn't you who made
the sad decision,
it was your successor.

What if Life is a Night Road With No Streetlights?

You can't exactly see
 where it leads you.

All you know is
you grew up
in what seemed
like a perfect world,

and as you get older
you view the world
as either bleak or bright.

It's your choice.

You find that the world
that was once so big
turned into
such a small place,

and when you think,
you're done growing
you realize that
you never stopped.

Friday, September 20, 2013

Live the Legacy, Don't Die in it.

Death is not a dance,
but you dangle around
like knowing a dead man
suddenly gives you fame.

As if suddenly some one
you never spoke to living
means more to you
now dead, than alive.

Why do we always
pass people by
while they're living,
and only pay attention
when they're passing?

Monday, September 16, 2013

It's All Around You, and You Can't Avoid it.

A concept,
an image,
a thought
or an idea
that the mind creates
in an array of ways.

By paint,
by pen and paper or
through photography,
theatre, dance, industry,
advertising or otherwise.

It's getting
that concept,
that image,
that thought
or that idea
out of your head
and into the world.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

My Only Mistake was Knowing You.

Self inflicted, as predicted
I made the mistake and
stuck around anyway.

SELF inflicted-
the decision to stay
even after all the things
they put me though.

Yet after all the things
I didn't have that much to say,

but if I made the plan
to speak today
I would simply say:

The only star that was stolen,
was the one you stole from yourself.

I'm sorry
that I don't want you
in my life anymore
but I believe there's nothing
I could've possibly taken from you
that you didn't already
take for yourself.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Life Isn't All Humpty Dumpty.

I can't stop thinking
about why this world
keeps reaping
so many things
that are broken
and sore.

Or why when
the pieces fall,
they get crushed,
swept up, tossed away
as if they couldn't
have been put
back together again.

Some things can
be unbroken again.

Friday, August 23, 2013

You Never Did.

Somehow there's solace
in the sound of the wind,
but no comfort in the rain,
no silence in the snow.

Whether loudly or softly
swaying, it's just a breeze
that seems to put you at ease.

Then

when you least expect it,
it takes your breath away.

Seamlessly sweeping your mind
up and away into the atmosphere,
leaving us here with the fear
that you may never come down again.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

And I Can Only Say that I Miss You.

Once death hits
our hearts will always
be beaten down,
and broken.

Remember that it takes
time to rebuild
and just because
a love is lost
doesn't mean they're
gone for good,

so let's sleep
the sorrow away
and leave all
the lost love behind.

Never forget that
every day is a chance
to realize that in the end
you only did all you could.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

I have a Lot on My Mind.

I walk for miles through memories
and see no end to you refusing
to see me even if you tried.

Not even a turn of the head
or a glance of the eye,
and all the battles in my mind
of a friendship that needs
to be left behind,

remind me that
you're not wounded, or broken,
you're not even lost like I am.

So how long will I be thinking of you,
how many years have to go by before
you're finally gone, and the memories
are stolen from my mind?

In the meantime,
I can only be happy
for what I still have.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I Filtered You Out of My Mind.

In our minds what we know,
is space and room to grow.

Fill it up,
and empty it
out as you go.

Useless information
is filtered out
all the time.

Love is what we define,
as a pretty hard thing
to leave behind.

Still, you're definition
must be much different
from mine.

Monday, July 22, 2013

One Explanation of Anxiety, and Panic Attacks

Why does it always
haunt me at night,
robbing me of my sleep?

The demons of my day
keep me
sinfully staying up late,
and sinfully sleeping
to avoid the next day.

So I'm stuck
in the night
and an array of the day
is just a dream,
a story so to say.

Then when it becomes real
panic seems to set in.
So real,
really doesn't feel real at all.

Monday, July 8, 2013

So here I am. . .

On my knees
ripping seams
trying to fix the mess
made of this black dress.

Needle in, needle out
poke my finger
bleed a bit,
ignore the pain.

Zippers out, zippers in
that's not right,
take it out
and put it in again.

Seams sewn shut
machine's worn thin,
guess it's time
to use my hands again.

Monday, June 24, 2013

What is This Weather For?

The stars are here
and the skies are clear
then the clouds rolled in
when April and I came;

I didn't mean to make you turn thunder,
I didn't mean to make you turn cold,
I didn't mean to change your season,
I didn't mean to swallow you whole.

I know I'm not just what you need.
I know I'm not just what you asked for,
a fifth season to add to your year.
I know you would be fine with that
if I didn't take days from the rest.

So every time I say I see this weather
you swear it's just one storm,
but I can tell by your change of heart
that it's me you're changing for.

I wish it wasn't so easy to
show you that you're wrong.

I'm sorry I'm not what you asked for,
I'm sorry I turned you thunder,
I'm sorry I turned you cold,
I'm sorry I gave you a new season,
I'm sorry I swallowed you whole.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

This is What Happens When Sweetness Fades.

Beauty never sees beauty,
inner, outer, or otherwise.

It only sees
charm, wit, and seduction.

After all, what is sweeter
than the taste of sugar?

Not the beauty
of a bitter temptress,
however captivated
the tempted may be-

He'll only fall victim
to the optical beauty
which will try to force him
to an early grave,

and she'll take
all his charm away
stowing it for herself
till she can move on
and find another
so called ugly soul to steal.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

It's Yours, Use It.

We weren't meant to dwell
in sadness or misery
but pain is unique
and meant to be felt
because it shapes us.

Don't ever dull that,
it's meant to give you edge.

The sharper that edge
the stronger you are,
the more capable you become
of cutting through
the dwelling in the future.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

These Colors Only Paint a Picture.

My heart is red;
like a sunrise on a stormy day,
grey when the clouds roll in,
silver when lightening
strikes the earth,
and loud like thunder.

My heart is blue;
like a sunset after a rainy day
and all the colors a heart can hide,
will never describe
the feel of piercing rain
turning my pale skin pink,
or the wind blown
ache in my ear.

These colors don't tell
you that the wind blew
to the tune, cool and white
as if God purposely pushed
the air for my enjoyment,
and sent a chill through my body
to remind me He's still around.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I Don't Need a Reason.

When you ask me,
"Why do I care?"

I should only
question you the same
instead of dignifying
a significant response.

As if any other response
I would give otherwise
would only catch your brain
in a net anyways.

So if I question you the same
I think you'd find
your answers are to blame.

Friday, May 24, 2013

This is Why I Make Decisions Carefully.

I'm not a social person,
I'm self inhibited.

I coil inwards
and control my thoughts,
my actions,
the only way I can.

I prefer to have a desolate womb,
does that make me selfish?

I don't allow myself
to make stupid decisions.

I plan my life
around the potential ones,
and not theirs around mine.

Those lives are delicate
and I dare not
dance around them.

I'd rather keep them safe instead,
releasing them when we're both ready.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

The Lack of Understanding Life.

Help,
please fall into my direction.

Show me the meaning
behind everything I once had.

Because I don't have anyone
and all who once mattered,
and all the things that
don't seem to matter anymore,

show me something's got to change.

I just have to pray that something
somehow falls into my direction.

I was
too young to understand,
too busy growing up
to understand affinity.

I remember being young,
so little girls like me
didn't understand
when we were told
we were too young.

We were too busy growing up
to understand the meaning,
and as an adult
our old decisions shaped
ourselves, shaped our lives today.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Want isn't a Strong Enough Word for the Desire to be Heard.

There's no sense
in starving for success,
still, I take the risk everyday.

I push the hunger aside
despite the uncertainty
in my mind
and stash my doubt
somewhere far behind.

So the longer
I wait for an outcome,
the less I see,

and I'm left here
writing the words
that no one
ever seems to see.

It takes drive
to be in my position,
and still set the statistics
so far away from my mind.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Even When it All Goes Wrong, He'll Still be There

We all just want to be married.

We all just want that one,

but what does that one matter
if you can't get a grip?

Marriage is more
than a picture
or a plaque
that you hang on your wall.

It's more than a spoken vow
or a ring exchange,
more than a simple ceremony.

Marriage is delicate,
and simultaneously strong.

It's something unspoken,
shared in secret
and seen clearly.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Deep Inside Dwells Ugly

I remember writing,
"Ugly doesn't exist."

I remembered and realized
the moment I learned
how hard it had been
to shake the feeling
of obtaining a frightening relationship.

That I was wrong,
and ugly exists
in ways other than facets,
only to realize later
that the damage
had already been done.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Until I Realize, I Don't Need Another Friend Standing in the Shadows.

I was all an act.

You hand me the magic pill,
I pop it down, and it's gone.
I remember pulling tricks
with my wit.
You thought it went down the hatch,
but it never left my hand

You supplied, I took,
but never swallowed.

I was a lie,
my real motive
was to steal as much
as I possibly could,
so you wouldn't kill yourself.

If it took an act,
or a lie, who cares?

I had my own agenda,
and still, it backfired on me.

I was never suicidal,
that was all an act,
still, the self harm was real.

Despite the evidence,
I was just depressed,
desperate to save you.

Still,
at the cost of my lies,
somehow,
we both took the bullet
in the end.

It only went through
me to get to you.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Inebriation Robs You of Your Intellect.

I'm worried about good times
and how there aren't enough to spare.

I've been thinking about good times,
and how every one from the past
has a burden to bring with it.

I'm worried about the unworthy,
the wicked,
and the silhouette of the sinister
masking itself as a good time.

That bottle you bring
only sells your time short,
and removes any memory
of a good time from your system.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Wake Up, the Dream is Over, Move On.

Sometimes,
I beat my brains out
thinking of you.
I want to say
I miss you dearly,
but I don't.

I'd love to believe
any semblance of friendship
we once had was real,

but surely I'd be kidding
myself if I did.

I was only a drifter
floating around in a pond
full of meaningless fish.

We all do it,
and believe it's meaningful
but when you
watched me walk away;

If I ever meant a thing
to you at all
surely you would've stopped me.

Times like these put me to sleep.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Congratulations!

I, alone,
am powerless,
still somehow I live my life.

I forgot
how close we were,
a friendship from years ago.

I, myself,
am one project
that will never be complete.

I thought of
you, as selfless
as a fighting friend can be.

You deserve
all the fortune
that balances in your life.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Later in life, she's in the same position you once were.

Even though you're gone,
still you show yourself in colors.

The sister you had still exists,
and I'm convinced you gave her
the life you left behind.

I saw you in her purple hammock,
your brother was much younger,
but somehow he died before her,
his heart was diseased,
yet his mind was at ease.

Now she's nearly 90,
deaf, and daring
she shows herself in colors
and when she's gone,
it's those colors that will keep her alive.

Friday, March 15, 2013

I'll keep my past if I want, afterall it got me where I am today.

I looked at myself for once
as the child I use to be
and realized that sometimes

this isn't about being right or wrong,
or singing a martyrs song.

Some people don't want to be saved,
some people prefer to salvage themselves,
and you say it's hopeless, right?

So give me something to dream about,
tell me something more than;
life goes on, and we move on.

We're constantly in motion,
but why can't then and now
still be connected?

Stop telling me,
that I have a whole new life
because if it wasn't for me
falling so deep in the first place,
I would have never had the
chance to save myself.

Monday, February 25, 2013

You know they'll come and go, but memories, they last a lifetime.

With bravery and desperation,
growth got me through,

even though instability lead the way
and all the suffering that came along
has left with out a trace.

Friends found along the way
are memories of yesterday.

By the looks of me
you'd never know
what I've been into,

or the sounds
that sent me there.

So in a single breath
I breathe it out, steam,
in the cold winter air.

Sometimes it's that easy
to put the past behind you.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Schizophrenia makes you strong, not stupid.

Don't try to convince me
that I was a frightful friend
for not reaching out to you over the years.

Where were you when I went
into the hospital, and in again?
You weren't around for nearly
a decade of my head coming unhinged,

and you sigh because I
have bigger foes to fight
than friends who claim to be.
Still every time you asked of me,

I gave.

Then when it came to being a friend,
you choose to act as if
because of my mental clutter
I was somehow less human than you.

I'm not a doll you use for amusement,
and I've cut any puppet strings
that make it so.

Friday, February 15, 2013

Stay in that small town, see where it leads you.

It's a differential knowing
that everything you've earned
caves in at the word of someone else.
friendships, lives, reputations.

I wish clearly you could see why
your words sparked my disappointment
when you created the definition
of theft by word.

So you say you don't see me anymore,
I'm just a speck of dust
statically clinging to your shoe,
and still, even though I'm that small,
somehow I still get inside your head.

Monday, February 4, 2013

My Desparate Piece of Advice.

Don't speak out, or speak up
with a sharp edge.

Speak out, speak up
with your voice,
your voice is a powerful thing.

A voice is a powerful thing indeed,
so if  you have one use it
that's why God gave it to you.

We all know attention is a valuable thing
but keeping to yourself is only cloaking
masking, hiding away
what it is that you have to say.

So when no one's listening
and loneliness, it crowds you,
just watch the way
you can walk away,
and find someone better
to speak out to, to speak up to.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Am I ever What I appear to be?

I'd like to see myself in a strangers eyes
so I can lapse from the life I live
and lead my life on my own.

So, stranger, could you tell me,
do I seem secure enough to you?

Am I confident,
or do I seem confused to you?

Does my posture alone prove my worth,
or did my body stop speaking for itself?

Is my voice a voice you want to hear?
Would you ever lend me a listening ear?

The biggest question I bare to you
is myself at all meaningful to you?

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Don't Ever Try to Tell Me Who I am, I Already Know, Now Tell Me, Who are You?

I'm done being who
you expect me to be.

I have no shell
and I am not bound
by your perspective of me,
or your lack of reading
me like the open book I am.

You should speak solemnly
of the lies you spread
and try to pass the truth by
now and again.

Whatever happened
to the supposedly successful life
you were about to lead?

Tell me how it turned you
into the sorrowful mill doer
that you've become.

Surely someone with such
a clearly driven path
would never sway with poison's wrath.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Have You Ever Listened to Your Own Work?

Singing the words which speak
to me in such a soothing way.

They speak understanding,
it's a well, you see, the further down
the bucket goes, the emptier it is.

Brilliantly speaking in song
and silently learning along.

Are the words that
peel my heart to the core
so with simple words
I say you're more than brilliant
but rather masterful instead.

Your World is Small, and Friendship Fades Faster than You Know.

Why do I keep looking back
thinking that small town
that I once ruled
actually meant something?

Knowing those people who were so real to me;
these people I once called my friends
are only statues of what they lay claim to be.

Why is it that I feel
it's so important to focus
on a place I no longer belong,
when there's an entire
world out there to welcome
me and my mentality?

So the more I'm tempted to look back,
the more I feel my body turn to stone,
and the more I see that moving on
must be where I belong.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I Had a Dream About Elliot, and in it, This is How I Felt

I remember the moment
we laid together in the grass
on a sunny day. Me, mixing my fingers
into your short curly blonde hair.

I guess I missed the comfort
of having a home in you,
but that's something we lost long ago.

I remember staring into your eyes
for hours even though we weren't in love.

It was just a strange way
to pass the time away.

I remember the day
you called her your own
instead of me.

I supported the decision,
was happy and let you live your life
in your own way.

I remember our friendship as over,
your time belonged to her,
and I had moved my life along.

Then the next thing I hear
you're in trouble up to your ears,
and all the time I felt
I should've been a better friend;

that maybe somehow my friendship
could've changed your sad decisions in the end.

Then I remember, it was you who decided
to betray me, and me left forgiving you.

I'll still always remember you as the comfort of a home,
rather than the stranger I saw last.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Asthma Makes a Simple Cold a Nightmare.

Ill as ill can be
but the doctor
I just won't see;
a cough and a sneeze,
a deep breath,
a painful wheeze.

I'll stay at home,
tell myself it'll pass.
It's just a cold,
it won't last.

Inhale,
cough.
Exhale.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A Dream is a Story, Your Mind Makes it Happen

What is there to dream about tonight,
   when looking up at the stars has become such a fright?

So all the stories it takes to put my mind at ease
bring me to the sweetest dreams.

It's where my imagination makes;
 peace, or war, or love, or all.

The place where I can call my own,
that state of sleep to call my home.

A place to blend or break away,
dependent on where my mind
decides to take me tonight.

It's a function of life
    some rest for the night.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Is there ever a follow through?

Listening isn't effective,
understanding doesn't even cut it.

It's the actions you take
to clean up the messes that you make
which make a difference in this world.

How can you expect
to turn garbage into gold,
without an exchange of altercation?

Maybe it's time to change your posture,
and when it speaks too much
learn to stop letting it speak for you.