Sunday, December 25, 2016

I Never Told You That

You don’t have to like me
-who says I was being relatable?

You don’t have to respect me
-who says I’ve earned it?

You don’t have to hear me
-who says I’m worth being heard?





Sunday, December 18, 2016

Be Yourself

You act so counterfeit,
so fictitious,
so sunken in

to your so called sparkling,
yet incredibly unoriginal
presence you persuade this world
to put their faith in.

Now who do you claim to be;

the person who talked to me for hours
about the substance of our lives,

or the one who speaks of shallow wit?

Reality told me today-
whatever substance once existed
is now nowhere to be found.

Quit covering yourself in dimwitted
attempts at being someone else
and don't deny yourself the chance to. . .

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Questions for My Multiple Personalities

Remember when we put our faith into paper fortunes?

Back when he said she said
defined our self worth,
and focusing on our losses
left us with nothing left to gain.

Remember when we had no personalities,
and passed notes to prattle on
about our petty lives?

Where was the observant one?

Was he too busy writing notes
to himself about how he felt things should be?

Too busy to see how things really are
and missing out on experiencing
how relationships really form.

Why did the reliant one always take over?

So focused on other's assessment of himself,
full of vacant jubilation,
yet so far from full of himself.

He's the one who can't be left alone,
the one incredibly lost,
annihilated by loneliness.

Where did this strong one suddenly come from?

The one who's apprehensive, protective,
but sometimes too inhibited
to live his life pleasantly.

Why is he so hard to handle sometimes?

Always stepping in at the most inopportune time.

Why does he never step up when I need him?


Thursday, December 8, 2016

So I Try Not to Think About It

He looks at me with his tired eyes
as he drifts off to sleep.

He's dying, not really, but you know we all are,
and I know eventually his will hit me
harder than any other.

I think about how yesterday I was almost 16,
and today you're 30.

A decade has passed,
but it's as if yesterday we were meeting
for the first time on the porch of my parents house,
then walking around with my friends and I
as if we owned the town;

when the only thing we really ever owned
were the disposable cameras in our hands
before everything went all digital on us.

Time goes by too fast to force yourself to own
all the animosity you and I
have been able to throw away over the years,
no matter who you may be;
brothers or sisters,
friends,
enemies and even us lovers

-keep in mind that despite our love or disdain,
our bodies won't last forever
and one day we're all likely throw a shovel of dirt
over someone else's. 

Hopefully not anytime soon,
but I know one day we'll all have tired eyes.




Tuesday, December 6, 2016

So Be Gracious

Why is a world so immoral
so willing to talk about the corruption
that we're slowly sinking in?

Sinking seems to become second nature.

Yet when it comes to having a conversation
about our potential creator,
instead of agreeing to disagree
or walking away with kindness

-someone always feels left in the dark.

With all the stumbling we're doing,
it's a surprise we don't get up
with a mouthful of dirt more often.

Why does the world
suddenly have to look so
bleak for everyone else when you're
suddenly able to see your salvation?

You need to realize that for everyone else
nothing changes
-life stays the same
they don't see the world the way you do.



Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Life

People pretend
it’s all fluff and feathers,

it’s not a pillow,
and for humanity 
as a whole

it’s really somewhere between
a rock and a hard place.



Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Art

It’s impossible to comprehend
all that’s ever been spoken to it,

we can commiserate,
bask in it’s inevitable glory;

Despite the opinions,
the paint color,
or any other medium,
the potential energy
drained on that canvas
doesn’t see those limitations

-our imaginations don't see those restrictions either.

It's a very intimate part of somebody.


Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Easier Said than Done

Sometimes;
it's just a looming cloud overhead,
or a rain that brings a shallow flood,
becoming a typhoon that
washes your entire city away.

If you can look past that wreckage,
to see that we're all just a drop of rain
in the bucket at the end of the day;

Maybe someday you'll be able to see the sun again.






Saturday, October 22, 2016

So the Cycle Continues

Twisted and torn is the page that read;
I don’t belong- 
at least I thought my family felt that way.

Turn the page and tear it away;
now tattered 
is the page that read I’ve got no stability.

What do you know about mental health anyway?

It took ten years to heal, and more than half of them
didn’t even know what healing was yet.

See, you helped me with none of that.

I remember the first day depression hit me-
it was more than the school bully tugging on my hair.

I remember my first feeling of complete hopelessness
 as I first felt what death was.

Nine years old and it’s still the only thought 
that ever screamed to me so loudly in my life, 

“What’s the point in anything?” 
I said to myself so loudly with fear, 
“I’m going to die anyway. . .

 So die.” 

-I told myself to;

and my first attempt at self harm, 
before I even knew what I was it was; 

Depression came,
straightened out the end of an old metal coat hanger,
and scraped my skin until it welted over.

Swollen, tender and red but no blood
-only nine years old.

Somehow it just felt better. . .

and of course it escalated later to further self harm of all different forms, 
but the worst kinds were the ones of the mind; 

Always poking and prodding, 
tearing me down 
when all I was trying to do is 

survive. 

I wanted to thrive, 
sure I could go out, 
feel good with friends, 
but then when left alone again, 
here comes the thought; 

“What’s the point?”

And so, suddenly, 
I'm dying again. 

Friday, October 14, 2016

Nostalgia Bites

Sinking into the past
seems to be all I ever do,
sometimes there's nothing
left to think about
but the comfort of a few
good times gone by.

Quickly they become crowded
by the feeling of nothing left
to look forward to,

then flood in the memories amiss.

I don't miss anymore;
I don't look at our photos,
I don't read the memoirs,
I don't search for you
like you do me.

I remember different from you;
where you remember happy,
I remember angst and uneasiness,
where you remember love,
I remember babble and hearsay,
where you remember friendship,
I remember a spiteful and evil eye.

My future and today are all I have,
they're the only friends I need
that haven't been here since square one.


video



Friday, October 7, 2016

Instant Gratification

It's a thing that luck grants you
and while certain things comes easily,
and quickly to some.

Certain things become
harder and harder to earn,
to see in others;

common sense,
common decency,
common courtesy.

It's important to remember yourself
through the thick of getting
what you want out of life,

before becoming prone
to being devoured
by your newly found fortune.









Thursday, September 29, 2016

Let Go of My Arm

You were possessive, aggressive, obsessive,
and I was so clearly sixteen,
apprehensive, perceptive, susceptive.

I'll demonize you if I want to,
you went in for the hug
I never wanted. . .

I pull as far away as possible
because they warned me about you.


Yet you don't take the hint
and grab me anyway
pulling me into an
incredibly uncomfortable embrace.


So, as I walked away so clearly upset
you take my arm as if it's yours
and so quickly try to clear the air.

You're not making yourself look good to me,
or anyone else around us,
so please stop trying,
and leave me alone.









Wednesday, September 28, 2016

I’ve Been there Before


No matter how loud you speak
some will never listen
and usually they're the ones closest to you.

Too busy listening to the one
with the anus made of gold,
but it doesn't matter what it's made of
it's not pretty no matter how you dress it up.

Sometimes you need to look outside yourself
and just be okay with living in the shadow,
pride is a powerful thing
but don't let it lead you to the same level
that led you in the shadow in the first place.

Your character is worth more
than you give it credit for
despite the indignant, sad, sullen, soul.

Be careful because your bitterness
just might bite you in the end.

Remember the shadow isn't a bad place to be,
it's relatable,
it's a place so many have seen.




Yes, it Actually Happened

When I was alone,
I heard you speak to me
in every song the hospital radio played.

I've done the best I can,
I won't be here tomorrow,
sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

It wasn't ours,
it was a goodbye
to a set of circumstances
that grew old.

I honestly thought my life was over,
just a whisper in my ear,
all I could remember was trying to take my life.

I didn't even realize I was still alive,
so imagine not knowing your spirit still thrives
in your, living, breathing body.

I mourned myself,
became someone else,
first afraid, then bitter,
and every kind of person imaginable
but eventually stronger.

I wanted to go, needed to go
sick of swimming against the current;
letting my delusions drown me with fear,
anxiety, depression,
the feeling of being trapped in myself,
the surreal version of the world I saw,
and still see sometimes today.

Let's bring back some bad memories
of actions with no explanations,
was I just dreaming?

I couldn't sleep,
I could never sleep. 

So, how could that be?










Friday, September 23, 2016

No Matter How Deep You Dig

Grandma removed her face
last night before she went to bed.

It may have been a dream,
but she took it off as naturally
as she would her dentures
or hearing aids.

What was beneath the skin?

Nothing frightening,
but something I found
somewhat beautiful instead.

I found myself asking her
to take it off in an attempt
to better know what was underneath.

Raw and vulnerable to the elements,
with the ability to become dry and cracked.

Everything under that mask of skin
had become too familiar
with the seasons of this world
and the people in it.

The lesson learned;
at some point it's too late to

get to know a person.