I'm Better For It

The rain chooses my path today.
Whether I stay or leave in its midst.

And this somber feeling,
I overheard,
was a lack of shining sun.

So I give into the weathers' grief
and sob a little story of my own.

Shining sun why have you left me?

I can’t help but ask in such a daunting time.

With puddles to wade,
why would you allow me to drown
in the power of my own thought?

I have no hypothesis,
no account, no answer
for being born so desolate
on such a strange earth.

I apart from pretty near everyone,
draw a blank and accept what is.

This is my fate.

Uncomplicated

Modern life-
born of flesh,
the bodily fluid in our lineage.

Intelligent design
isn't about a higher power.

Our creators-
we know them as;
Mother, Father.

Simple, imperfect as us.
Created in their likeness.
We rise up to,
and exceed their greatness.

Misuse of a phrase can cause much confusion,
making commonplace difficult to catch.

Simplicity could be our Savior,
if we could simply be.

Don't Drop Heart

A humanitarian heart
has a hard time
saying no to the needy.

At the expense of a person's sanity,
no's a serious word.

Knowing when to say it,
how to give a gracious negation.
Learning how to turn
a "no" to a "maybe later."
And a "maybe later" to a "no."

The importance;
of a break,
of a breath,
a nap,
a nifty book.

A humanitarian heart
needs itself most.

I’m About to Drown

I have become unknown to my “self.”

A simple conception-
What I hear of my “self” inside my mind
sounds much different from your perception.

My head, pounding, run down,
my body starts sounding a bit off.

Everything's an illusion,
a simple light, glaring on a shelf of flour.
Seems divisive, out to get me.
Panic on a shelf in harmless powder form.

Well that’s schizoaffective for ya.
Finding a way for plain objects
to become panic attacks in little packages.
This run down, droopy eyed sense of self
became sick of caring.

Desensitized by the realization-
This is a hallucination.

So my fear subsides,
but I know this won’t be the end.
Try teetering on the edge of reality
and what your mind wants you to believe.
So when it spoke of suicide. I said,
“For me, my ‘self’ is worthless in the grave.”

The point when my sense of self crumbled,
not sure when I witnessed it
turn to mud before my eyes.
Hey, I could’ve told myself that was an illusion all day,
wouldn’t’ve changed how real, it really was.

Yet I sit, and explain my disdain for Bukowski-
meanwhile I listen to myself sounding
more like him than I’d like to admit.

“Be what you love.”  They say.
Well, I’d love to be something I’m not,
I can’t be an Emerson, a Dickinson, a Tennyson.
While I, used to be a “son” myself.
I’d like to be anyone but me, while I’m waiting
for this mournful moment to pass.

This unbridled hurricane of emotion
outweighs me pound by pound.
Toppling over me, is an ocean of the obscure.

An Internal Idea

It’s easy to give in to a push,
knees on the ground.
Within my anger,
a bit of evil slips inside my head.

I clenched my fist.
Then in my mind,
turned around
and aimed right at her jaw.

Well, how bloody a mess
my hand would've made.

Reality focused on my breath.
Sad, the confusion
of what I’d done to deserve this.

The truth taught me, I’m passive.
I slipped out, hid in the hall.
Leaned against a wall,
and slumped down
till my head hit my knees.

I couldn’t give in to my anger.
So I suffer from my own
mind games in one hand,
hopelessness in the other.

So long as the end's near,
it could be any day out of the blue.

I don’t need a push.
My days are numbered.
I won’t be here forever.

Life’s not long enough
to be a war with others,
if  I'm at war with myself.

Your Eyes and Your Ears

Close your eyes to the world.

What you don't need to see,
can't leave an eerie impression,
with your eyes closed.

The blanket
doesn't need to cover
the total of your toes.

Rather, it should cover
the sum of your fears.

It's Really Not That Bad.

I need a break

 need a better heart

 need a life

 need to learn

I’m a loser,

that’s all there is to it.

You can sit around

and beg me

to stop feeling that way

all day.

Just know-

in my mind,

it’s true.

But I don’t think of this

as a negative thing

the way you do.

I’m just enabling others

to be winners.

Because someone has to lose,

why not me?