Thursday, March 26, 2015

I Only Ever Wanted to Be

I'm realizing
as time grows colder
at some point
we all hate
who we use to be,

and even though
I'm growing older,
I can't quite
put my finger on why
we do this to ourselves.

I know
the version of myself
I still need to leave


because at times
it makes me
feel less human to know

how often I hit
a dead end,
how I had to turn around

again and again,

only to fall
into yet another
fit of failure.

So as I write,

I think, maybe

I'm learning to see
why we hate so much
who we use to be.

It's simply because
we become someone else


A better person.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

What I Can Recall

What do you do
when life feels like a needle
dragging across your skin
and there isn't much you can do
to quiet the sound
of fingernails on a chalk board
in your head?

I never thought I was sick,
never knew I was sick,
but I was sick.

It was a different kind of pain,
a kind very difficult to explain,
the kind that would tear
your paper heart to shreds.

I'm really no stronger than the rest,
my heart is made of paper too.

I'm just determined
to keep cutting mine new.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

I Don't Want to Remember D.

I still see the days when we use to sing jumper
while doing our hair in the bathroom.

I still see the
mouse stuck on the mirror.

I still see the smiley you smeared
on my parents bathroom door
with my shimmery white eye cream.

I wish I would have seen
the trouble you'd bring
which made that song
bring back your memory.

I wish I would have seen
right through that mirror.

I wish I could paint over that door
and everything that you destroyed.

Friday, March 6, 2015

The Drive to Survive

Without that voice speaking inside my head,
the desperation to be done with this disease
would have had me dead long ago.

Despite how insane you may think
it is for me to believe this voice is God;

He's always spoken to me
through the endeavor
against depression depleting me
and anxiety anxiously eating away at me,

He's forever pushing me
to move on
through my thoughts,

regardless of how pathetic
this fight has made me feel,

He's even had me reasoning
with myself on my darkest days.

So while I can't explain
His existence in my heart,

I can understand how questionable it is,

but I also can't explain my consistent
and incomprehensible desire to stay alive.