Tuesday, August 15, 2017

If I Seem Withdrawn (I Am)

Independent loneliness-
the choice to be alone
and the reason is unknown.

Some prefer the silence,
 or in some circumstances,
they even prefer the noise;

the clicking that fingers
create on these keys.
The hum of thoughts in your head.
Or even shouting screams of matches
you need to make and win in your mind.

To be so close,  or so far:
from everyone.
And everything you've ever
wanted to achieve-
never forgetting to be right
beyond your fingertips.

Running, and out of breath
for the next to last opportunity
life will never allow you to take

because it will tear away
the lonely home you have.

One person,
alone, myself is enough,
and anyone else is too perplexing
to figure out.




Sunday, July 30, 2017

You're Not Guilty

Occasionally,
a wave of doubt will come over me
and leave flotsam on my minds shore.

Perhaps a bit of sea glassed depression,
but it's nothing my mind
hasn't been able to polish
into something spectacular.

It's my belief that everyone
has these waves from time to time.

Unfortunately, for some these waves
are typhoons of guilt created by others.

For them,
doubt becomes impossible to overcome.

It's not only their shore
that becomes impossible to clean
but their entire city.

How could you possibly blame them
for giving up on their faith,
when no one was there
to pick them up after it was our storms
that knocked them down?

It's my job:
to keep my flotsam off your shore and city,
to teach you how to use yours to your advantage,
to help clean the scrap from your shore,
and-undivided-restore it to a beauty unmatched.






Friday, July 28, 2017

Loneliness Never Hurt a Soul

Easily manipulated
loneliness,
one of my closest friends.

Easy to have around,
with an affection
which can't be matched.

Where would I be without you,
loneliness?

Where is the time to think;
reflect?
meditate ?
or pray without you?

Why does everyone think,
you, my friend,
loneliness is a bad thing?

I think you're highly misunderstood.

You stalk each and every one of us,
with good intention of course.

To be sure we're able to survive
in our personal solitary confinement.

So in silence,
I speak out loud to you.
You say nothing in return,
all you've ever done is listen.

Loneliness,
you and me,
we're two of the most hated beings there are.

Denial and declaration.





Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Marcus

Hey,
I thought of you.

I was alive,
uncomfortably laying between the arms of
a waiting room style chair;
knees up,
head tilted back.

Now, I don't remember what day or week it was
or if you were real
or if you were something my mind conjured up.

Either way,
the hard times were hitting me again
and there I found you
always trying to cheer me up
in the most inappropriate ways.

Just taking in the hospital air
my mouth sat ajar while sleeping,
and there you came.

You planted one right on my lips.

Your stubble scratched my skin,
I'll admit,
I was shocked,
a different kind of breathtaking
experience came over me.

I belted out in laughter,
then suddenly
I found myself smiling.

You made me do that a time or two.

I fear reality may have been more harsh to you
than it ever was to me
but I wish I could find you here.

I can almost remember your face,
I want to let you know
that you've passed my mind enough.



Friday, July 14, 2017

A Sleepwalker's Amnesia (A short story.)

I found myself in that old ghost town
with a familiar sound ringing in my ears.

Was it the train running down the rails?
How could that be?

Those tracks have been buried
under miles of mud and dirt for decades.

I swear I can still hear my house
rattle as the horns blare.

Paralyzed with fear,
I wake with my shadow
laying in front of me,
train stopped behind me-

horns ablaze and unaware of how I got here.

Stammering off the tracks
as my consciousness decides to find me;

an officer pulls me further,
questioning me-
too tired and disoriented to answer
I ask. . .

Where am I?
How did I get here?
What time is it?

As daylight is approaching,
the last thing I can remember
is falling asleep
at home thinking about
what to do with my future.

So I find myself in a hospital room,
but eventually walking home,
up the stairs and knocking on the door.

Yet no one is there to let me in.

A man drives up the way,
unaware you ever left
the comfort of your home.

I know this one,
and remain calm.

He opens the door,
the first thing I see is a clock
in the entry.

I look at the time and realize
I've been gone for hours,
the thought of where I could've been
all night is absolutely terrifying.

I ask him,
"Where have I been all night?"






Tuesday, July 11, 2017

At Least I Don't Miss the Shore

Where would my happiness be
without saying goodbye to one?

-every now and again-

I find myself saying,
"I'm glad I missed the boat on that one."

While you're still sitting at your student desk,
you open the lid only to seethe
over some he-said-she-said
from who knows how long ago?

Your looks ran out,
your substance faded,
and left all of us in my mind
to question-

What did I ever see in you?

Well. . .

I'm glad I missed the boat on that one
because not only did yours sink
and leave you

stranded-

you never saw the shore again.





Tuesday, June 6, 2017

(Why Can't You) See What I do?


We all breath the same air,
swim in the same body of water
on the beaches
which connect our countries,
but so often forget how close we are.

Our choices are as important
as each life we take
when we're busy at war
with one another.

One mistake
could wipe us all away
in the blink of an eye,
yet we keep playing around
as if our human lives
are some kind of sick joke.

Humanity needs to take a minute;
to breathe the same air I do,
to let the salty waters
wave it's hair as it does mine,
to see the white clouds
swim in the sky of deep blue dreams
tying us together.

See, this is only part
of what my life means to me.

I would never steal
anything away from you.

Why would you ever
want to take that away
from me, or anyone else?






Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Don't Deprive Yourself with Deception

We all have demons,

but how often do we take off our red mask
showing just how they get the best of us?

The mask may be imaginary,
but it's a growing problem
sitting in the pews at the church of
"Can you help me please?"

Yet most don't ever know,
or can't even admit it's needed.

It's sad how we're so quick to criticize
but can't admit our own imperfections
or even begin to decipher our daily demons
because we're too busy masquerading around in red.

While we're ignoring our harsh realities, dancing
our way through life, internally
wounded and deteriorating underneath-

what I fear most about all of this
is how many of us are unaware
we're wearing a mask at all.




Tuesday, May 9, 2017

The Story Can't End Yet

I claimed cancer when I was sick;

Perhaps
because in my state of mind
there was no other
explanation

(This must be what cancer feels like.)

for all the
frustration.

(Mental clutter in my mind.)

I was just a
floating blob
of contagious cancer.

Everywhere I went
I made you
sick of me too.

"Are you sick of me yet? "

My cancerous thoughts
spoke to me in a
deep and daunting whisper.

"You know?"
"You can give up at any moment."
"Are you done yet? "

Those thoughts that snake their way in
don't see the two different people
living inside of me;

an imp on one shoulder,
an angel on the other.

They only seek to kill my spirit.

"You're right-"
So I admit defeat;

"I don't have to take this anymore."

instead of giving up and giving in
to the so called inevitable-

I kept going until I was
tired, calloused and empty inside.

Of course I could have just given up,
but there's got to be
something more
at the end of this sentence.



Self Destructing Humanity (of Unsustainability)

I have this fantastic thing
called a life,

that can quickly
take a tragic nose diving
turn for the worst at any moment.

At times it's a daring thing to keep,
yet over seven billion of us do it every day,
and we're growing still.

So by seven billion,
you think
we would have learned by now
that the aggression
not taken out on ourselves is either;

taken out on our planet,
or even worse,

each other.

So pay attention,
you'll see it coming.








Sunday, May 7, 2017

Summer is Over

Friends who fade away
like dead autumn leaves
scattered about the earth- 

without a trace, 
they dry up and crinkle
deserting me with a loud mess
behind them everywhere they go. 

Kindness is sort of like the wind
that blows them off my branches for me. 

He's my friend until our lives are complete, 
depending on who dies first, 
him or me, at least he returns for me,
and of course I'm that tree. 

This star that shines closest to me, 
the sun, 
is not always some heavenly abode 
hanging out up in the sky above.

Sometime's I only see it's light in the darkness- 
reflecting from the winter snow 
while my roots freeze over below.

The thought of you leaves 
tend to be the bitter coldness winter brings, 
because I know you're buried 
somewhere under the layers 
of ice, snow, slush 
and memories of who we use to be.

I live knowing I'll have lush green new leaves 
when spring arrives again someday, 
they too will wilt away in an autumn breeze.

Just like that, no goodbye-
I will never see you again.



Friday, May 5, 2017

I Promise

Even when the world
seems to be spiraling around you,

don't go up in the tornado
of misfortune going on around you.

Keep both feet planted firmly in the ground.

Keep in mind that despite your circumstance,
you've still got a grasp of your significance.

Even if those feet are planted in;
sadness,
        despair,
                loneliness,
                            guilt,
                                    shame
or any other particular ailment.

Those are things worth feeling
when the wind dies down
and you can finally see the sun again.



Thursday, May 4, 2017

Scrap

If I could choose my last words-
they'd be I love you
and I'll see you later.

There's no need for goodbyes,
but let's say I wouldn't die
until my last words were said.

Well, I'd never stop speaking.

I did a lot to obtain happiness today
and the last thing I need
is to mess with someone else's.

Either way, everyone has to know
every breath we take
will become more shallow
until one day we are no more.

What do we become then?

Are we more than a dead body
in a beautiful casket
six feet blow the cold ground?

I won't bore you with my beliefs today,
but I'll let you know that the answers are
so often more than meet the eye.


Sunday, April 30, 2017

Rhetoric

You can know a book
like the back of your hand
but still be unable
to let any faith rest
in what you read.

Whether you think the world is round
or flat doesn't change it's actual shape or size,
only your perception of falling off the edge.

You know, pigs can fly right?

No, they don't have wings.

But hell,
I'd fly too if you launched me
from a catapult.

Today is all I can see,
but come tomorrow,
today will become yesterday
and so the cycle continues.

Yesterday follows today,
and today crawls into tomorrow
every day until our sudden
or perhaps gradual death. . .

And then what?

Does anybody know?

It's not a question that can be answered,
despite how strong your faith may make you.

When someone else shows their doubt
don't steep in pride and arrogance
when you know deep down
you have the same question too.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

The World is Thoughtless

I want to see myself 
as the world sees me.

I imagine I'm small,
insignificant, menial,
but to me, I'm all there is. 

The only important things 
are those in my life I hold 
greatly above all else;

a husband, a dog-
the family I grew with,
the family I grew into.

These things mean nothing
in the eyes of a grand scheme, 
whatever it may be. 

I hold on to trinkets 
from years passed 
and never let them go 
when they signify a moment 
I thought I may somehow 
learn from in the future.

That blue button 
I found on the sidewalk
the day you found yourself in prison. 

I mourned the loss 
of your friendship because I knew 
we would never speak again.

I put my head down in prayer for you
as useless as you thought that was-
it never hurt though, did it?

Even a button, 
no matter how trivial 
the world thinks it may be
had so much meaning
in my insignificant eyes,
but the world?



Monday, April 3, 2017

Time to Heal

Am I sorry?
Yes and no.

We can't change
what we don't already know.
I sit in frustrating pain,
hurting when I move.
I've had a charlie horse
for at least a day now, you know?

What do I do with this pain?
Work it into courage,
build back what I've
so painstakingly lost.

I don't need to be weak forever,
just long enough to get me
through this freezing cold weather.




Monday, March 20, 2017

I'm Okay with Being a Grain of Sand (Imagine a Should Shrug)

Friend,
a term that I can tell
doesn't mean much to you.

Call me one,
seems like many do,
it’s not a bad idea.

I fell right through your fingers
like a grain in a handful of sand.
A grain that fell,
then blended well
with the rest on the beach.

Bet you never thought
of me that way, did you?

Good luck finding me again.

We're not exactly friends.

Use to be,
sure, but
what exactly
do you know about me?

Forget what you use to know. . .

WHAT DO YOU KNOW NOW?

What’s that I hear?
Radio silence. . .

I'm a book open as wide as it can be,
yet how is it you know so little about me?

A relationship like dead air-
all I’m hearing is static.

Don't you understand?

I don't know you anymore,
I haven't for quite some time.



Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Choose Your Poison Carefully (Sometimes You Need To)

There's going to be a lot of
temptation in this life.

You can't give into all of it.

You can only take the temptation
of the opportunities
that speak out to you.

Because what doesn't benefit you,
will bring you down in the end.



Sunday, March 12, 2017

Keep This in Mind

I spend so much time worried
about what the words say
that I don't even worry
about the delivery. . .

Sloppy.

You can have the worlds
most important message
and completely destroy it

with nothing but a bitter tone of voice.


Sunday, February 26, 2017

Slammed My Finger in the Door

We're more than human,
we're emotion,
we're energy.

We're thoughts of guilt,
shame and animosity.

We're temples of the mind,
sometimes, 
slaves to sick bodies.

We're dangerous, murderous,
yet loving, giving.

Selfless and selfish at the same time.

We're all hypocrites
just doing our best
to practice what we preach,

and when we're the best at giving advice
we're always the worst at taking it.

I never got the chance to point it out.

Where Exactly is the Worry?

Perspective is a difficult thing to get past,
for fear of becoming like another.

Stepping into to someone's shoes
doesn't change the size of your feet,
or even the way you walk,
so never be afraid to see things
through someone else's eyes.

Becoming someone else isn't the goal,
but becoming a better version of yourself is.

Understanding another is one of the
greatest gifts a person can have,

and how can it ever hurt to earn a glimpse
of what the world looks like
through another set of eyes?



Thursday, February 16, 2017

If Not Now, When?

Imagine if,
for every time you felt disdain;

you wrote it down,
boxed it up,
put it away.

How many boxes would you have?
Would you forget in time?
Throw them away when the right time came?

What if the boxes were so vast
they blocked the view of the sunlight
coming through your window panes?

What if they started to mingle
with the boxes of good memories?
Making it impossible to ever see
any situation in a positive light.

Sometimes, you've just got to sit down,
sort through the things that hinder you,
and empty out your full house.





Monday, February 13, 2017

Where Do We Begin?

A beautiful sight,
it may be,
but sleep too long and you'll see
the havoc it will play.

Toying with your mind to be,
nothing but a symphony
of fear and frustration
for not being able to move on
from this place I'm in.

It hovers over me,
above my chest,
like sirens in the night,
out to steal your soul ....

“I am your shipwreck,”
she says to me.

“forget ever trying
to see the shore again” she said
“because you are bound
to drown with me in agony.”

I'd like to be able to say,
that you don't have any
power over me Anxiety,

but she leaves me listless
crying like a baby,
"Oh how will I ever
be able to overcome this?"

But wait, I am not helpless,
I have some power over you too.

I can't stand here,
letting you drag me to drown,
while I’m so busy fighting the battles
going on in my own mind,
that I’m unable to see
a watery grave surrounding me.

There's always time to save yourself,
but sometimes the question needs to be asked.


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

What You Say to a So Called Lost Cause

When no one wants to believe the truth,
let them believe the lie.

Instead of digging a deeper grave,
don't let hopelessness be an option,
ask for help
when you can't find
the hope you need.

You are not hopeless,
meaningless,
or worthless
for any mistake
you could make.

When no one wants to believe the truth
-don't give in to the guilt.

Be crafty,

let them believe the lie
and learn from your faults.


Sunday, February 5, 2017

It Happens to the Best of Us

One person decides to do something

different
for a change,

and it's like the rest of the world
does everything in it's

power
to stop you.

Well, don't worry.




Saturday, February 4, 2017

But a Speck


If I were a moment,
I’d make myself a forgettable one.

A speck of dust in your eye,
an annoyance you seem to wipe away.

I’d happen every now and then.

If you were a moment,
you’d be the one in my life
where I was taught the lesson;

that it can be the people closest
to you who are the most unkind.

The moment where I realize
I never needed those people to begin with,

and the moment where I gathered
the strength to grow self-confidence

from nothing. . . 

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Lend a Hand

There I was,
asked to spill myself out
into the world again

-in a social setting of like minded people-

it's such an easy task.

What about when we're thrown back
into the real world again?

It's easy to stand up
for what you believe in,
when you're not standing
in the lion's den,
in the comfort of anxiety free living
and feeling great about yourself.

It's so much easier for us
to become one of them
and sink our teeth in
right where they don't belong.

Right in the heart of someone else's

confidence, 

leaving them with a lack 
of faith in our small world.

Why is it so difficult to accept yourself
in the faces of others opinions
when you know yours is just as valid as theirs?

We need to focus,
we need to continue to love life for its entirety,
while lovingly accepting its faults
and doing our very best to fix them.

Stop talking about your beliefs and ideals.

Live them.




Down a Two Way Street

Wouldn't it be nice if,
instead of being overcome
by apprehension;

the timid attempts
to annihilate your outlook
were able to help you gather strength
instead of ripping you to shreds.

As for the annihilators, maybe,
instead of being birds of prey,
let your perspective speak for itself
and realize that empathy
is more than an essential trait.

Friday, January 20, 2017

Get It?

You read me right

I can’t be a hit every day,
(I don’t need your pity,)
sometimes I’ve got to be a miss.
(I need your support.)

between the lines.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Preston, You Blew It

Once you invited me to a house party,
insisted I go, despite my hesitance;

and as I arrived
I remember how excited you were
to see me.

I remember how
a few drinks later
you laughed behind my back-

something about how I was too prim and proper
for being the only sober one in the room.

You didn't even know I overheard  
maybe you saw some scorn in my eyes
when you saw me standing just a few feet away.

I put my head down,
darkened my eyes and walked out
like a puppy with its tail between its legs.

You were my ride home,
and I waited outside for you
until this all blew over.

A miserable night. . .

A dedicated friend who knows
where she just doesn't belong
but can’t leave out of fear
you may hurt yourself or someone else.

Party’s over. . .

Stumbling over in dismay,
I look at you then look away.

I can't even look at you.

I sigh,
I look anyway,
but you're looking away too.

Instead of going on about
how darkened, disappointed,
and disheartened I felt- I thought
it's not the time for that right now,
so I threw my arm around you anyway.

Gave you a smile and just said it's okay-
just before you start to sob with your sickly sorries..

I couldn't let you drive us home this way,
so I sat with you, stranded in an abandoned parking lot
until the headache was over.

Me:

awake all night, praying we would stay safe
in this spot and you sleeping neck forward
with your face in your chest,
head tapping the horn,
not a care in the world right now.

How could you?

Make me so incredibly insecure,
how could I be so inhibited?

Looking back-
hindsight 20/20-
it could have saved my life that night.

Probably the worst mistake I ever made
was being your best friend through your battles.