Thursday, March 15, 2018

Forget Me

I want
to be

I want
to speak
to the world

I can't
have both.

There’s no way
to reach
     or me.

How to Ease the Anxiety

Ask yourself,
can you ever find a way?

Seems like the most hopeless
endeavor ever pursued.

So I go back;
 re-read the importance
I've written in my past,
realize this has been,
one of my worst struggles
for so many years.

I've lost my will to fight it.
I've grown weary and given up.
I've lost the energy to swim upstream.

It's time to come up for air,
to rest, to breathe,
and to try to exist.

I've got nothing left to offer,
you've taken it all away.

Will you ever let me breathe
free from your scrutiny?

Tuesday, March 13, 2018

Keep Living

My mind- empty
   full of fog,
   crickets chirping,
   loud locusts jumping,
   cicadas screaming.

Hit the breaks,
my heart skips a beat.
My shoulder- restraint.
Three of us
stand cold today.

You, me, Anxiety,
and in this moment her voice
 has me deaf.

My head- lost,
   in the atmosphere, blind,
   moving on through the dense fog,
   I kneel to the ground,
   hold my face in my hands.

I'm taking a break,
     taking a breath.

The second this is over,
I'll keep walking
stay ready to scream,
   keep strong,
stay loud.

Monday, March 12, 2018

Leave Me Alone

Social rehearsal,
it can happen a million times
and still never play out as anticipated.

So many deep breaths, sighs,
and much hope for a great outcome.

Yet, at the end of the night,
you're stuck with the same
screeching chalkboard
creeks in your thoughts.

Then you hold yourself accountable
over anything, and everything;  
your hair, choice of dress, your voice,
that stupid blemish on your cheek,
the body you were born in.

The list grows bigger and bigger,
and swells to things you can not change.

You can NOT change!

Is this really what it boils down to?
Do you really believe that?

Maybe some things don’t need to change,
but I can tell you one thing for sure,
this anxious way of thinking DOES!

Because it's much too busy
tearing my mind to bits
while I've got more
important things to do.

Such as- living my life without
being pushed into a corner
by anxiety’s warm embrace.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018


Let me indulge you,
let me cater
to your every whim.

What is it inside of me
that can satisfy
your every need?

All I've got is the
"I'm only one person"
blues to sing to you.

That's when I know
Anxiety. . .
She's got me
by the neck again,
pulling me offstage
with a shepherds crook.

Then she hovers above me
with a rain cloud
of self mis-judgement.

Imagine me, with a soggy,
wet lost puppy look on my face.

No one expects me
to cater to their every whim,
or satisfy their every need.

They only expect me to be.

Thursday, March 1, 2018

It's a Matter of Opinion

How many words
does the average person
speak in their lifetime?

The suggestion is near
nine hundred million.

If you slight your speech,
do you find the time to think?

Or is that simple
black space inside?

Perhaps no thought to rattle
that brain you've got...
I guess I'll give up ever knowing.

I wonder if those
who limit their voice
live happier lives.

Speak less to listen more,
and receive better
life lessons as a result.

The reason I over-speak?

The agonizing endless need
to explain myself
for no reason at all.
The anxiety that comes
with the thought behind it.
The need to clear the air.
The attempt at beating meaning
into someone's existence.

The madness
known as my mind
will take control
and leave me;
Whispering to myself.
Pacing in circles, with the most
useless anxiety you could imagine.

So I stop, take a breath,
take a break, and ask myself
is it even worth it?

Thursday, February 22, 2018

Talk About It

A house of cards.
The delicate thing you are.

A fragment of a sentence.
Or a fragment from a gun?

Use YOUR voice.

Don't give up. Don't give in.

To those voices.
They'll let you down.
Again and again and again.

Learn to love yourself.
Others will follow suit.

Self destruct-
never again.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

The Ability to Be There

With wrists that burn with the sorrow
and grief of the word distress.

When will everyone understand?

The only way to break
the tyranny of bloodshed
is to show compassion
when mistreatment moves you to.

When will we stop idling by?

Stop seeing the damage done,
feeling it in our hearts,
and doing nothing to console that one?

We all know that one,
who could really use a friend right now.

Pay attention,
you'll see,
it's your responsibility.

To say a sorry for the lack of benevolence,
makes up for mistreatment
more than you will ever know.

The truth is,
it’s our fear
that stops us
from speaking up.

I’m guilty too.
I’m not afraid anymore.

I won’t let that stop me,
from using my voice any longer.

It’s potentially the most powerful
thing we possess.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Amber’s Attempt

You had me at a loss,
in shock at your attempt
of escaping the madness
known as your life.

Too focused on my emotion
to even take you seriously.

Swallowing the placebo effect
just to teach you a lesson.

If that wasn’t how you wanted to see me.

My flawed logic said
you’d understand why I wouldn’t
want to see you in such a state.

I never hid it,
I explained it was a lie.
I was still, slightly heart broken.
My mistakes, my anger,
my frustration nearly
made me lose a friend.

I’m sorry,

I’m not sure I ever said it.

On occasion,
I think about
how sorry I really am.

I hope you’ve got the life
you’ve always wanted.
The dreams you never
thought could come true.
We both know the truth is-
I never deserved a friend
as good as you.

So many mistakes I’ve made
at the expense of others,
I’ve learned
one is enough
to take a life.

I’m finally on the verge
of having the ability
to let the guilt go
after all this time has gone
right by me.

So I say a prayer for those
who are the me I use to be,
and whoever it is
you’ve turned into today.

With the hope held that anyone else,
young, impressionable, and stupid.
Will grow the ability to make
better decisions than we ever did.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Sometimes I Wonder

Some doctors will say
they aren't entirely sure
what the function
of the appendix
in the body is.

In some individuals,
I'm not entirely sure
what the function
of the brain is.