These thoughts would occur, eat my concentration,
and make it very hard to have a conversation.
Hah, and only I would ever try to reason with them,
turning what should be a passing thought
into an argument with an obsessive idea.
I can try to silence them,
but that only causes the earth to crumble underneath my feet.
See, it doesn't matter what name you give it.
The battle is still the same game
where I have to beat the anxiety,
fight the frustration, and cope with the confusion.
Yea, I realize at times it gives me a tiny bit of talent
because somehow I can hold two conversations at once;
the one I hold silently in my mind with myself,
and the one I carry on out loud with you.
See, it's something I hide so well
when I no longer have this battle standing right in front of me,
because I'm no longer crowded by confusion,
or agitated by anxiety,
and frustration definitely doesn't phase me anymore.
I fought for so many years to earn what I would call a clear mind,
something that meant so much to me,
and now I'm just wondering what's next?
It took me so long to overcome this illness,
and I missed so much that I should've seen in my life
when I was too busy concerning myself with questions
far too big for anyone to ever be able to answer.
So many times questioning myself;
How did I get here?
How did I get here?
How did I get here?
Each time I faced myself with that question
I could never find an answer and while most people would;
shrug their shoulders, say what ever, and move on.
It felt to me like I was face to face with the biggest demons
and instead I would then ask myself;
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
Do I even belong?
And bigger things would pose to me,
the pressure would build up in my chest as if I was about to explode
Like, how do we even exist?
Is any of this even real?
And how can a world so big ever appreciate a soul as small as mine?
Understanding what this world is made of
just became such a complicating thing,
but now I've accepted that I can't control what I wasn't meant to know,
and I've learned that sometimes
we were meant to live life with a light heart.
So as hard as it was for me;
Perhaps, maybe if someone somewhere is fearing the things that I did,
you can sit back and just appreciate what little you may have
because life is precious and yours is just as meaningful as mine.
