If You Think This was Written for You, It Probably Was

Just because you hate yourself so often,
doesn't mean you don't
have a shred of self endearment.

Too many people
hold this misconception
about mental illness,
it doesn't mean that
you don't love yourself,
it means you're
learning to live with yourself,
learning to live with your affliction.

Unfortunately many of us
will never have the opportunity
to share this bit of knowledge,
but I know that you're not only
completely capable of loving yourself,
you're also completely capable of being loved
and completely capable of loving anyone you choose.

So don't let any 'someone'
try to tell you that you can't love or be loved
until you learn to love yourself.

It's just not true.

November Never Felt so Cold to Me

The weather is changing
and I can't sleep.

Daylight savings
dream only of killing
my circadian cycle.

This is it for us,
Winter, you treat
me like a window.

Open me up
and blow cold air
all through me.

Yet you're so lovely,
at least you use to be.

What happened
to your crisp snow,
or frosted glass roses
that I remember so clearly
from my childhood?

You see right through me,
 and you left me gross
and staring at soggy black snow
on the side of the road.

Winter, you became cruel to me,
still somehow I see you the same
as you use to be back home.

We're All Awkward, so Screw the Embarrassment

When I woke up this morning,
I didn't expect anything from anyone
but what I received was far greater
than any gift I could be given.

I received life,
the drive to live and survive
knowing that my happiness
isn't all that matters
and making somebody else smile
is just as valuable
as a secret smile or a silent giggle to myself.

Life's not all about being your best
or looking your best,
sometimes it's about your weaknesses,
about letting go of the idea
that you have to fit
into some cookie cutter mold
that you make for yourself.

Sometimes,
life is about being yourself,
waking up in the morning
with your hair sticking up,
your eyes crusted shut
and loving who you are
despite what the decrepit
mirror may try to tell you.

Something which is equally
as valuable as all of these things
is the ability to love someone else
despite all of their dank defects as well.

The Humble Husband

No one thinks of me
the way that you do,
I'd be surprised if anyone
ever thought of me at all.

Except you,
you think of me
far before yourself
and when I feel like
I can count on one hand
all the people who actually
care for me. . .

Just know that you're
the first finger I raise,
that's aside from God of course

and you should know
just how important
you are to me.

Even though there's no way
I'd ever even
begin to be able to explain
all the ways
you've saved my life.

There I Go, Talking to Myself Again

I think somehow
the situation left a stain on me,

but the mark left on me
doesn't seem to matter so much
now that I can see
how everyone is stained
in some way.

The important part
is finding the best way
to stop yourself
from hiding the engaging story
which created that stain
in the first place.

That stain is part of my past.

It was planted in my history
where it took root
in creating who I am today.

If it wasn't for the stains,
mistakes, scars, and unsightly blemishes,
there wouldn't be anything interesting
about anyone to begin with.

The Only Power Fear Has, is the Kind You Supply

If you grew up hearing voices,

you'd probably not know

the difference

between a quiet mind

and a cluttered mess of a brain,

but thankfully,

now my mind lets me sleep at night . . .

Sometimes. . .

To be clear,

I didn't grow up hearing voices,

they kind of crept up on me

in the worst sort of way,

but hey,

at least I'm not in that place

where my bed smelled like gasoline

and my head would dream uncontrollably

as my heart screamed so loudly

for someone to come get me out of there.

No one gave me a list,

no one showed me the steps

to growing a clear mind.

To gain even the slightest

peace of mind,
all I ever really needed

was some acceptance,

but not from any of you.

Whoever you may be.

I needed it from myself.

and ultimately I believe

I needed to live through the clutter,

not just to get to the quiet

but also to overcome

the entirety of the fear

I felt for so long.

Going on With the Show

Even in the most miraculous
moments of our lives,
sadness seems to step
its way into our lives
in such a short time.

It steals away any sense
of self worth
we once thought
we may have obtained.

Sitting around
watching it
slowly circle the drain
does what exactly?

As much as we love swimming
in a puddle of self pity,
at some point
we've got to get our
faces out of the mud
and move on.

Cut Me Down to Size (Sinking Ship Self Esteem Mentality)

When I start to realize how much of a nothing I really am,

I find it fitting to forget anyone

who's ever made me feel that way about myself.

However daunting that may be,

 it means I must also forget myself.

It's far too easy to scorn myself,

despite how insignificant or significant

the deeds I do may be.

It's far too unfair

to be the biggest constant failure

to no one but myself.

I'm a sinking ship self esteem mentality

which is incredibly difficult to crack,

so I ask myself,

"Where has any of this ever gotten me?"

I still let these feelings walk all over me every single day,

I let my entire life sail right by me after all these years

and just lived with the frustration of never being enough.

So, how do they affect me?

In every single way.

They rob me of my voice

often leaving me quiet

in a room full of conversation.

They take over and leave me exhausted,

fighting just to feel better.

They make me shy in situations

where I really need to speak up

and cause me to close my mouth

when I have the opportunity to open up.

They make me the least important person to ever exist.

The worst part of living in my ship wrecked mind

is that I always automatically assume

that everyone feels the same way about myself as I do.

The Unfortunate Insomnia Attack

A tired mind like mine

whispers a thought of forgetfulness
into the ear of no one to hear.

It says,
"Forget this,
forget that,
go to bed,
get some rest."

So why doesn't my body just obey?

Instead, it's 3:00 AM
and I'm wide awake,
bothered by everything
I need to accomplish
in order to complete
this endless list of things to do.

"Write it down,"
they say
then you'll be able to sleep at night
and start the day with a fresh face.

Oh, but if THEY only knew
how every list is a contract
that I sign inside my mind
on some sort of imaginary deadline.

Which only ever weighs
on my tired mind even more.

So despite
the painful pressure to sleep,
I put it off until every item
on the list is checked
and my mind can finally
be freed from forgetfulness.

The Cynical Side of Myself

I'm stuck in a place where I can't find
a single positive thing about myself.

It seems as if it doesn't matter how much
I try to counteract my own misdemeanor.

I'm still the same sorry worthless someone
in my uncomfortable mind.

I don't speak up,

because it's not worth speaking
about how I need to disregard myself.

Still, I can only set aside
how I truly feel for so long
until my significance
fades away in to failure,

and at that point
my head starts to ache
from holding back every tear
that I'm capable of holding.

Faith gets harder and harder to find,
and my desire to survive
in a world like this diminishes.

I never thought I'd ever be the type
to give in to unhappiness,
but it reared it's head at me today.