I Don't Want to Remember D.

I still see the days when we use to sing jumper
while doing our hair in the bathroom.

I still see the
mouse stuck on the mirror.

I still see the smiley you smeared
on my parents bathroom door
with my shimmery white eye cream.

I wish I would have seen
the trouble you'd bring
which made that song
bring back your memory.

I wish I would have seen
right through that mirror.

I wish I could paint over that door
and everything that you destroyed.

The Drive to Survive

Without that voice speaking inside my head,
the desperation to be done with this disease
would have had me dead long ago.

Despite how insane you may think
it is for me to believe this voice is God;

He's always spoken to me
through the endeavor
against depression depleting me
and anxiety anxiously eating away at me,

He's forever pushing me
to move on
through my thoughts,

regardless of how pathetic
this fight has made me feel,

He's even had me reasoning
with myself on my darkest days.

So while I can't explain
His existence in my heart,

I can understand how questionable it is,

but I also can't explain my consistent
and incomprehensible desire to stay alive.

Blend or Break Away

Alienation,

again,

another place you've been locked up in.

You've never been
able to blend
and with so few words
they tell you
you're better off
on your own.

It's a crippling feeling,
of a tattered sort
of hanging turmoil,

that makes an already
sleepless sad soul
unable to be at ease.

You're tossing and turning
surviving the uncertainty
of several sleepless nights,

then and there you should remember
you didn't let anyone down.

You need to
walk away.

Walk away.

Walk away,
from anyone who makes
you feel that way,

because you're whole
the way you are,
and your self worth
isn't defined by
any individual view.

The Road Ahead

Sleepily I see

a light behind me,

of many tangled twists and turns
from the windy roads
we once walked upon.

I look forward and see
a very dim light
burning ahead of me,

guiding me to the future
which was meant for me.

A destination
I've arrived at before
is also still ahead of me

and we light its trail
every step along the way.

Someone Needs to Know that No One Needs to Know

Some words of advice
I wish I'd told myself sooner,
communication is key
to an uncomplicated life.

We all underestimate
the entity of our words,
and often choose
to hold them discreetly inward
until we fill up and erupt.

No one should ever
have to feel their
thoughts are insignificant,
and let their voice
be still in the end.

You Were the First to Ever Ask Me

Instead of simply asking if I was okay,
I've been criticized too many times in my life,
about situations completely out of my control.

God, many times did I just want to be okay
but all too often,
I've gotten caught between the people I care about,
and their lack of caring for me.

Something I still can't understand
is how you've been able to say the things you say,
and act the way you act
without feeling any empathy whatsoever
for the person you're making feel the way you do.

So let me say something,
I don't need to be okay. .

No, I don't need to be okay,
I need to survive because
I'm pretty sure that no one
I care about cares if I'm okay.

I won't tell you if I'm not okay,
and you won't bother to ask.

No, I'll slip right between those tiny cracks
if that's what it takes to get me through
because sometimes, myself is all I have.

Despite the dark places that I have been,
empty, alone, hospitalized, starved, and scared.

That could be anyone,
but it's not me today.

The Never Ending Battle of the Mind

There are no words
to describe that shred of desperation
that runs through me,
somewhere between potential futures
and former fiascoes
I try my best to make myself work
but I define myself defunct
and fail to feel any fortitude for myself.

For others it's hard to define
how I could have difficulty
believing in myself
but it's a battle of the mind,
something VERY easy to hide,
how I slip in to deep dark
corners and crevices
of what I could be
and what I feel like I'll never
be able to achieve.

You could say
it's a purgatory for the mind,
possibly a place
where I won't be left behind
but still stand far
from where I want to be
and the question I always ask myself is,
did I put myself here?

I don't want to leave myself blind
because I can't seem to see
past this ugly place in my mind,

where moving on becomes
something less than a step at a time,
and where motivation loses its meaning.

No, I want to be strong, desperately brave,
and capable of anything I want to achieve.

The challenge will always rest
in getting my brain to agree with this idea
but it's something I eventually hope to accomplish.

An Open Book

She's a faceless girl
with a dead childhood.

She has old cracked
8mm film memories
that tend to bring tears
to her darkened eyes.

Everyone she once loved is gone,
they've moved on long ago
or time passed them away,

but thankfully, now,
she's trying to teach us
that childhood can
last a lifetime if you let it.

She's trying to say that fairy tales
only ever end when the author
writes happily ever after,

but we're not characters
in a storybook,
we're the authors of our own accord.

Each of us are individuals
with a history of our own to write
and staying young
requires just as much responsibility
as growing old.

We're millions of open ended stories
that will carry on indefinitely.

Wishful Thinking

Even in my ending
I hope I can be
either an inspiration
or an example
of what not to be
for those like me
who struggle to survive.

Since we're all existing
in this world together,
I think it's best
we see eye to eye

and learn from each other,

instead of scorning everything
beyond our understanding.

If only everyone could freely see
each perspective that such
a vast world could offer,

maybe we'd be more open
to understanding
rather than removing
those with different insight
from our vision entirely.

A Loudly Beating Heart

My mind slips away
in to some sort of oblivion
while wondering where the year has gone
because at times it feels
like it just wasted away,
but then I ask myself,

What more could I have possibly done?

Why do I never feel productive enough?

I set myself some lofty goals
and achieve each and every one
with down time to spare.

Yet this heart
still feels like it needs
a voice in this world

and it will always beat
with a stubborn determination
to carry out that plan,

until it's very last beat.