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I'm an open book here, and I have a lot to say, so I'll just say it.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Unfortunate Insomnia Attack

A tired mind like mine
whispers a thought of forgetfulness
into the ear of no one to hear.

It says,
"Forget this,
forget that,
go to bed,
get some rest."

So why doesn't my body just obey?

Instead, it's 3:00 AM
and I'm wide awake,
bothered by everything
I need to accomplish
in order to complete
this endless list of things to do.

"Write it down,"
they say
then you'll be able to sleep at night
and start the day with a fresh face.

Oh, but if THEY only knew
how every list is a contract
that I sign inside my mind
on some sort of imaginary deadline.

Which only ever weighs
on my tired mind even more.

So despite
the painful pressure to sleep,
I put it off until every item
on the list is checked
and my mind can finally
be freed from forgetfulness.

Friday, September 19, 2014

The Cynical Side of Myself

I'm stuck in a place where I can't find
a single positive thing about myself.

It seems as if it doesn't matter how much
I try to counteract my own misdemeanor.

I'm still the same sorry worthless someone
in my uncomfortable mind.

I don't speak up,

because it's not worth speaking
about how I need to disregard myself.

Still, I can only set aside
how I truly feel for so long
until my significance
fades away in to failure,

and at that point
my head starts to ache
from holding back every tear
that I'm capable of holding.

Faith gets harder and harder to find,
and my desire to survive
in a world like this diminishes.

I never thought I'd ever be the type
to give in to unhappiness,
but it reared it's head at me today.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

It All Happens Quickly, in the Same Moment, and Then It's Over as Fast as It Began

Even after all the good days,
once in a while there are still days
when my mood matches melancholy.

Days when I desperately want to say,
"Please care"
but still don't expect you to.

Then there are also days of
exaggerated elation,
a euphoria that eventually leads
to the unpleasant anticipation

of anxiety,

and so the cycles runs around
every now and again.
The trick is coping
with the instinct
we call emotion.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Trying to Remember What I Use to Want to Forget

In a place where my bed smells like gasoline,
and my head's full of dreams,
the nurse gives me a glance
as I cry, "I want to go home."

She stands by me and says,
"I know"
as she kindly reminds me
that I'm not well enough
to be anywhere but where I am.

She offered nothing but a hug
to the pathetic patient I felt I was,
because not much makes you feel smaller
than missing your mind.

I sat on my hospital bed
with the window behind me,
I did a thing or two
I don't remember.

I begged for a bit of home
to help me sleep at night,
but anything anyone brings to me
will be lost among all the other patients.

A girl named Gloria is telling me
not to give up hope,
she convinces me that prayer
and going to groups will get me home.

She was a patient herself and offered a prayer for me,
which didn't mean much at the time,
since I didn't even understand where I was, or why I was there,
but somehow it sure means a lot to me now.

In the end, they sent me home early,
but only at the cost of more mental anguish,
and a longer stay at somewhere
that somehow seemed to fix me.

Monday, September 8, 2014

The Inevitable Thoughts of the Ego



 Here I am,
doing absolutely nothing with my life,
or so you seem to think,

so here I sit thinking about
if it's even worth my time
to try anything other
than what I was intended to do,
but it always leads to a dead end.

There's nothing better than running
into a wall full speed with no brakes,
but that's what life is like for me.

It seems so often
that I find myself going
dangerously into a direction
that leads to my destruction,

but sadly,
it's all a delusion
and I know that I'm the only one
who views myself this way.

The you I speak of is me,
I fight myself everyday
and it doesn't matter
whether I win or lose
because I always win
and I always lose.

The hardest part is remembering that
whether or not I'm like all the rest of you,
somehow,
I've still got my own job to do.