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I'm an open book here, and I have a lot to say, so I'll just say it.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Easier Said than Done

Sometimes;
it's just a looming cloud overhead,
or a rain that brings a shallow flood,
becoming a typhoon that
washes your entire city away.

If you can look past that wreckage,
to see that we're all just a drop of rain
in the bucket at the end of the day;

Maybe someday you'll be able to see the sun again.






Saturday, October 22, 2016

So the Cycle Continues

Twisted and torn is the page that read;
I don’t belong- 
at least I thought my family felt that way.

Turn the page and tear it away;
now tattered 
is the page that read I’ve got no stability.

What do you know about mental health anyway?

It took ten years to heal, and more than half of them
didn’t even know what healing was yet.

See, you helped me with none of that.

I remember the first day depression hit me-
it was more than the school bully tugging on my hair.

I remember my first feeling of complete hopelessness
 as I first felt what death was.

Nine years old and it’s still the only thought 
that ever screamed to me so loudly in my life, 

“What’s the point in anything?” 
I said to myself so loudly with fear, 
“I’m going to die anyway. . .

 So die.” 

-I told myself to;

and my first attempt at self harm, 
before I even knew what I was it was; 

Depression came,
straightened out the end of an old metal coat hanger,
and scraped my skin until it welted over.

Swollen, tender and red but no blood
-only nine years old.

Somehow it just felt better. . .

and of course it escalated later to further self harm of all different forms, 
but the worst kinds were the ones of the mind; 

Always poking and prodding, 
tearing me down 
when all I was trying to do is 

survive. 

I wanted to thrive, 
sure I could go out, 
feel good with friends, 
but then when left alone again, 
here comes the thought; 

“What’s the point?”

And so, suddenly, 
I'm dying again. 

Friday, October 14, 2016

Nostalgia Bites

Sinking into the past
seems to be all I ever do,
sometimes there's nothing
left to think about
but the comfort of a few
good times gone by.

Quickly they become crowded
by the feeling of nothing left
to look forward to,

then flood in the memories amiss.

I don't miss anymore;
I don't look at our photos,
I don't read the memoirs,
I don't search for you
like you do me.

I remember different from you;
where you remember happy,
I remember angst and uneasiness,
where you remember love,
I remember babble and hearsay,
where you remember friendship,
I remember a spiteful and evil eye.

My future and today are all I have,
they're the only friends I need
that haven't been here since square one.


video



Friday, October 7, 2016

Instant Gratification

It's a thing that luck grants you
and while certain things comes easily,
and quickly to some.

Certain things become
harder and harder to earn,
to see in others;

common sense,
common decency,
common courtesy.

It's important to remember yourself
through the thick of getting
what you want out of life,

before becoming prone
to being devoured
by your newly found fortune.